My wildly unexpected pregnancy journey:

I have always had a strong desire to be a mother and absolutely adored pregnant women. I was that person who just wanted to touch bellies that were growing life and could not wait until I had one of my own.

We were super blessed in being able to conceive quickly when the time came that we were ready to have a family. I was strong, healthy, stable and so in love with my mountain man, that really, it couldn’t have been more perfect.

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Seven weeks into the excitement of growing life within my body started to evidence some pretty tough symptoms. So many changes rapidly took over my body. My 110% go getter lifestyle took a serious shock to the system. I have been writing out a list of symptoms I have had during the different seasons of pregnancy. Mostly of which as uncomfortable and all of which are foreign. 56 in total to date ~ I added three just today alone.

Though my common response when asked about how my pregnancy was going was “exhausted” or “looking forward to it being over”; I still felt I wasn’t able to be real with myself about how hard it really has been. I felt for several reasons I just had to ‘suck it up’ as I am “tough” or “my mother had a good experience” or “so many women have had it way worse then I am now”. After all, I did complete an Olympic distance triathlon at 17 weeks in 3 hours and was constantly told I got the glow going on.

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I had a fairy-tale, idealistic view on what pregnancy would be like. At one stage I felt bitter towards all women for not sharing the reality of pregnancy with me. I remember clearly at 12 weeks, purchasing maternity clothing from a store and the women serving me stated while looking so beautiful and rubbing her belly as if she had a baby within “I remember the joy of growing life and just feeling so fulfilled and wanting to nourish my child with the best possible start. Oh how I loved being pregnant”. To which I replied with silence and smiled however was visualising not so nice thoughts towards her as I was captivated by jealousy of her experience.

If I am real to myself, I think that most of my pregnancy I have felt like a host. I love my little bear but I felt overwhelmed by having little control. This has left me feeling powerless, helpless and at times even hopeless. I researched antenatal depression at one stage and saw myself ticking off every box. I realised that I was allowing myself, which includes at this stage my little bear, to be overcome with emotions that need not be within. This is when I realised something needed to change and started declaring hope, joy and health over my body. I was often told, “embrace the changes”, which at the time, I felt resistant towards. However, since 33 weeks of pregnancy, since I moved 2,500kms across the country to Tasmania ~ away from work, distractions and many of the commitments I had, I have finally allowed myself to not only reflect, but embrace the changes and the feelings I have been going through.

Robin and Jekka-35.jpgRobin and Jekka-17I realised I had never had to learn to be humble, because I was so ridiculously capable at just about anything. I had a ton of energy and my mountain man was my partner, but I didn’t rely on or need his support in a physical sense. So the first time I couldn’t do up my own laces, I sobbed at the realisation that I actually needed help. Those days where I couldn’t get dinner on due to exhaustion, peed myself in public, pushed myself too hard and sprained a rib or pulled a tendon because I forgot my emerging limitations and then required weeks of physical support really challenged me. I have been extremely blessed with support and love all around. And finally, I have learned that relaxing into this wildly unexpected adventure, though my symptoms aren’t improving, has been in fact, the best thing for my mental health, pregnancy and baby so far.

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Now, as I am full term and expecting my little bear to come into my life at any moment, knowing full well this next season may present again new challenges, I am moved to tears knowing I will soon be holding my little child on earth side, whom will be showered in deep love and by my mountain mans side, we will be a family.

One thought on “My wildly unexpected pregnancy journey:

  1. Love your honestly about how you are feeling. I do believe that this reality isn’t often openly spoken about by mums to be.
    Thank you for sharing what you are going through with all of us.
    Takes a very brave and tough person to go through this. I have never, though through your words, am understanding my very own mum better.
    Much love
    Tess XXX

    Like

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